(Note: I’ve often thought how thankful I am that I didn’t have to learn English as a second language, and my hat is off to those of you who have done so and are writing books and articles!)

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

Unknown Author

Published in: on January 6, 2010 at 5:13 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. LOL!!! This is so true! English is such an odd mixture.

  2. Whew! I’m with you! Glad I didn’t have to learn it as a second language either!

  3. Definitely a crazy language!Thanks for sharing the fun poem, Heidi!

  4. For some reason I’m reminded of my high school German classes. That language wasn’t so easy to learn, either!

    • Indeed, Christina. I minored in German in college and even with a family background in the language, learning all those “der” “die” and “das” and which goes where, was a challenge to say the least! When I finished I was supposedly qualified to teach at high school level, but I never felt confident enough for that! I was at about a 3rd grade level in conversation when I went to Germany to visit relatives. Not easy to get into any deep discussions!

  5. Love it!

  6. Ms. Thomas:

    I am an amateur song writer and I am always looking for funny songs which I love to sing. I would like to try and write a song using some of your verbiage. Would that be OK? Of course, if the song becomes #1 on the hit parade we could both make a bit of dough but we’ll have to talk about that later. However, I wouldn’t hold your breath if I were you, in other words, don’t quit your day job yet, as there’s no sex or violence in the verbiage to speak of and I’m not Madonna-the last time I looked, anyway. I look forward to hearing from you in this regard.

    Granville Airton

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